Understanding limits & boundaries

Session 1:  Began today’s session by explaining the benefits of learning to set limits and boundaries. Explained that it can increase self‐confidence, self‐respect, and awareness of mental and physical stress levels; define social relationships and improve social interactions; and preserve levels of personal comfort. Defined "boundary" as a point or line that people do not want themselves or others to cross. Explained that boundaries are personal and vary for each individual. Suggested to client that if she was in a situation and felt uncomfortable, or if someone did something she did not like, one of her boundaries had probably been crossed. Explained that boundaries affect how people talk to each other, treat each other, and physically interact with each other. Began a discussion of common boundary violations and strategies for managing them. The first situation we discussed was when one person tries to limit another person’s ability to express their feelings. Suggested to client that if she felt someone was trying to stifle her feelings, it was important that she let them know how she felt. Modeled how she might do this in a firm but respectful way, using phrases such as, "I hope you can understand that I feel upset and need some time alone" and "It’s ok that you don’t understand the way I feel, but please respect my feelings." Ended today’s session by reminding client that other people have personal limits and boundaries too, and that she should use what she learned today to increase her awareness of similar messages they might be trying to convey to her. Praised client for participating and explained that in our next session, we would discuss boundary violations related to criticism.   

Session 2:  In our last session we discussed boundary violations related to the expression of feelings. Briefly reviewed the skill of managing these situations with assertive but respectful communication. Today we discussed boundary violations related to criticism by others. Explained to client that many times, when people offer criticism, they are not trying to be rude or hurtful even though it may come off that way. Suggested that she try to diffuse harsh remarks by asking the person to give her clear examples of the behavior they are criticizing. If they are unable to do so, or if the way they express their opinion seems unnecessarily harsh, she should consider sharing with them how their remarks sound to her. Modeled doing this in a calm but firm manner using phrases such as "I appreciate your concern, but the way you said it makes me feel bad. Can you please provide specific examples?" Informed client that when people are unable to provide specific examples, she should not be afraid to tell them they have crossed a personal boundary. Encouraged her to politely tell them that being criticized in that way makes her feel bad and ask them to stop. Reminding client that other people have feelings similar to hers, and that she should use what she learned today to increase her awareness of similar messages about criticism that others might try to convey to her. Praised her for participating and explained that in our next session, we would discuss boundary violations related to teasing.    

Session 3:  Continued our discussion of boundary violations and how to manage them. In today’s session we talked about violations related to teasing. Explained to client that friends will sometimes say things to us in a teasing, playful way, but we will think they are being hurtful or sarcastic. Suggested she let her friends know that she has limits with teasing and other similar things. Modeled doing this in a calm, collected manner, using phrases such as, "When you tease me in front of other people, it really hurts my feelings." Advised client that if there were certain topics or actions that crossed a personal boundary for her, she should be specific about them. Encouraged her not to be afraid to be upfront with these limits when interacting with others.

Session 4:  In prior sessions I taught client strategies for managing boundary violations related to suppressing feelings, criticism, and teasing. Today we role-played three scenarios that reflected situations she had encountered in her life, or felt she was likely to encounter, to help her practice and internalize these strategies. I began by demonstrating the specific skill that would be modeled, then role-played the calm but assertive communication that each scenario required. Took turns with client playing both roles (e.g., the person criticizing, then the person being criticized). After each role‐play scenario, we discussed things she did well, and areas in which she might need improvement. Encouraged client to ask questions and clarified things she did not understand. Reminded her to apply things she has learned about herself to other people, as a way of remaining sensitive and attentive to messages they may be trying to convey to her regarding appropriate boundaries. Praised her for participating and demonstrating her knowledge of the skills she learned.